i still don't know exactly who i am

i never will, amen

i will put my heart in your hands
20 November 1988
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it was a thursday morning, you were wearing that ratty little dartmouth t-shirt you look so good in.
the one with the hole at the back of the neck.
you'd just washed you hair and smelled like some kind of flower.
I was running late for surgery, you said you were going to see me later, and you leaned to me, put your hand on my chest and you kissed me.
soft. it was quick. kind of like a habit.
you know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives.
then you went back reading the newspaper and I went to work.
that was the last time we kissed.

I just want to make sure you're alright.

no! I'm not alright? okay? are you satisfied? I'm not alright. because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me again. stop looking at me.

I am not looking at you. I am not looking at you.

you are looking at me. and you watch me. and finn has plans. and I like finn.
he's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!

you think I want to look at you? that I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. she, she doesn't drive me crazy. she doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. she doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands.
man, I would give anything to not be looking at you.

i still don't know exactly who i am
i never will, amen

Stylesheet by refuted